I feel the need to review my busy life to arrive at a sense of structure…images from the past are so jumbled and conflicting.
As far back as I can remember I wanted to save the world but looking back I can see that I spent majority of my time trying to just survive…while the inner voice directed in times of need. It was always vigilant and I took it for granted.
Still in my “learning phase” (which would extend over a 30 year span) at 17 years old I left the NWT’s by flying to Edmonton and hitch-hiking across Canada. I went with Ned who had relatives in Nova Scotia. Sadly, we went across Canada during the dead of winter. it was so cold, barren and desolate. the bleakest winter I can remember as we stood out on the highway or the prairies looking at a stretch of road that went on for miles. There was no shrubbery, just dirt and flat road way. we could see a car coming but would have to wait 45 minutes until it reached us. the only car in hours and it drove past us…
we got rides mostly with truckers and went from truck stop to truck stop all the way through Canada while pausing to view the sites and check out the towns. Ned was a “lost child” an emotional guy with no education who went from one small job to the next, no home – always ‘staying with someone’. Later I learned why he was this way…
As we took the St. John’s ferry from Labrador to Newfoundland the weather has taken a radical shift. a storm had broken out and the tug shifted from left to right wobbling dramatically to the point that water flowed in over the stern and side of the boat. parked cars rolled into one another and people gripped the sides of the boat yelling. the ferry was about go to turn over. we were gripping the rails wondering how much water would launch up to drench us. In the end we all made it although there were a lot of sea-soaked folks crying and lamenting over the vehicle pile up below. we arrived and continued on our journey so happy to be on good, solid land.
His parents were divorced. first we arrived at his mothers house. it was a nice, average home in a residential area. she answered the door halfway looking very nervous and somewhat scared. She wouldn’t let us in. She hadn’t seen Ned in a long time. She had remarried and had two small children. “You can’t stay here Ned. You must go.” I wondered about him. how he had grown up with a mother who seemed to want to get rid of him. He was not happy about this but turned away and we decided to keep going until we reached his father’s place.
we arrived at his father’s tiny ancient trailer which existed in a trailer park. His father seemed nice but Ned warned me not to be too kind to him. It would be a week later that I would see his father in an altered state that was unspeakable. In this state the authorities would be called to calm him or take him away and store him in a cell until he ‘returned to normal’. How had Ned and his brother coped with these two parents?
We stayed a couple of days and then the next thing I knew the police were at the door. apparently Ned had a b & E sheet longer than both his arms and he had been apprehended for breaking into a bank. the police wanted me to testify. And although Ned had spoken to me about this after he had done it but I could not tell on him. I could not tell on someone in order to free myself. something seemed so wrong about this. I refused to speak and consequently, went to jail. They only free space was the maximum security penitentiary in Nova Scotia and so i went in with all the ‘hard-core’ criminals. I had always wondered about “life on the inside” and now i would actually experience it first hand. Ned went to jail for 3 years and I returned to British Columbia and I decided to go back to school to graduate.
My compassion for Ned was great as he is one of many people looking for something to hold on to. I understood his inner-world so completely. How he wanted to move forward in life but felt so useless. How he was tortured with one thought which swiftly moved into a contradictory thought moment to moment ceaselessly. I never did ‘save him’ or the world. Today I wonder if these poor souls ever find inner peace? After all, do we ever transcend our desire to please our parents and be loved by them? this lack of being loved and being able to love causes so much trauma in the life.
I suppose the moral of this post is all about vibration… the mind and body needs love. when it has a lack of love it can transmit to thinking (feeling unworthy of love, and all the things they imagine other people have) can lead to behaving like a criminal (in a desperate attempt to have the things they imagine will fill the void) which then attracts those who treat one like a criminal.
Tending to Self-love is key.
Self-love is the crux of all true happiness.
I welcome all your comments so please post your words, feeling, or views that you would like to share in the reply box below!